a self-righteous douche

It went like this.

I was riding my bike home and I wasn’t wearing a helmet because it was really hot out and I didn’t want my head to get all sweaty which is really dumb because if I wrecked and died I would have just wished my head was all sweaty and that I was alive and my family would have wished that my head was all sweaty and that I was alive too.

So I was riding my bike home and I wasn’t wearing a helmet and it was midnight and I was a little bit drunk because I drank one beer and it was a Sixpoint Bengali Tiger IPA which is a hip beer brewed in Brooklyn that comes in a cold can.

So I was riding my bike and I was four blocks from my house in Crown Heights. I was on Park Place approaching Franklin Avenue when I noticed that a fire hydrant was open and squirting water out like a big sprinkler which happens all over Brooklyn in the summertime. There were some young kids - teenagers actually - hanging around the fire hydrant. No one was playing in it at the time, just hanging around it.

And so because it was hot and I was riding my bike and I never really got to play in one of those fire hydrant sprinklers before, I was like, “oh yea, I will get to ride through that fire hydrant sprinkler and the cold water will feel real good and cool on my sweaty body and it will be so fun to just zip through the squirting water on my bike. Ah, it will be so great”. So I started peddling right towards the fire hydrant real casual and smooth because I wanted the teenagers to think I was cool and could just zip through fire hydrant sprinklers real nice.

But just as I was passing through the squirting water something incredibly shocking but real happened.

And what happened was this: that fire hydrant sprinkler water was way flippin’ stronger and harder than any dumb sprinkler some white person like me grew up with in the rural mountains of Maryland. And that water pressure coupled with the velocity I was riding at in the dark at midnight a little drunk without a helmet made the connection between the water and the bike and my body go all wiggy wonky. And I became more startled than anything else, and I sort of swerved all over the street like a dumb white girl who never experienced anything real. I didn’t end up falling but I know those teenagers were judging me like teenage judge machines do and I road home feeling stupid for thinking I could just jump into that sprinkler like I knew what I was doing - like I had a history with it. Those fire hydrant sprinklers are not like those baby sprinklers that water lawns in the rural mountains of Maryland.

I don’t have a history with fire hydrant sprinklers. I don’t really know how they work.

-work intern